I’ve been trying to figure out why for every step forward - I take three back. Here’s what I know: I love to draw, I really liked making that necklace, I love my home & family.
So for every step forward, I will find 1000 reasons not to continue. For example, my thought process at each stage is:
Drawing – Ok, you made one ok drawing. It’s not that good really. Everyone is better. Stop wasting your time. Why start another if it’ll just be as bad as this one.
Necklace – Ok, you might like it but it’s not that good. You’d starve if you had to sell these. But I don’t want to sell it – but IF you did you’d starve.
Home – So this is your dream home. You’re risking your son’s health being close to the nuke plant & drinking well water. He has no friends. He’ll be in a new school. You gave up work & now what.
Family/Friends – Except for your son – everyone in your life is much older than you. Except for the art group, you have no friends. Once everyone leaves, you’ll be alone
Whew, no wonder I’m feeling sick. If I can ignore the rambling in my head long enough I find that I actually crave to make something. I’m even craving meditation which I dabbled with last year and haven’t done this year. I suppose I’m getting little clues that I need to reach deeper to quiet the censor or I’ll be trapped in this negativity that will ultimately ruin everything I love – again.
Something Suz said struck a cord, “I think you look to measure yourself against others.” YES! I didn’t even know I was doing it. But, why?
I think I figured it out. Subconscious programming. I was alone way too much as a kid and I developed my own self-sabotaged way of thinking. I didn’t know any better. My favorite brother died when I was four. My dad was an abusive alcoholic and I thought I’d lose my mom. My sisters and remaining brother moved away. I had a couple friends who had their own baggage. Fun & creativity were wastes of time. Hard work & making money was a vital necessity…until you died.
I suppose the subconscious doesn’t know the difference between right or wrong. It absorbs what has been programmed by thought processes. So I suppose I built my subconscious mind on a rather rocky foundation created by my real or imagined perceptions of life. No wonder I’m in full blown self-sabotage mode right now. I have been trying to pursue everything opposite of what I grew up believing. So my subconscious is desperately trying to make things right – according to what it believes to be right. Imagine trying to build a skyscraper on a rocky foundation. It won’t be long before it crumbles and falls.
And so the key here is to reprogram my subconscious so it’s not working against me. How the heck do you reprogram 41 years of thinking?
As a stepping stone, I will restart the Artists Way. I think I also have to restart meditation so I can control the negative thinking until I can reprogram it.
Who would have thought my foundation would crumble this late in life....But perhaps it's necessary to discover my true light within.
Hmmm....
Hi Elena,
ReplyDeleteI just want to say I think you are on the right path. I know I have had to process alot of garbage as I went within myself to find that soul core. Does creating give you some peace and quiets the monkey mind? It seems you know what you need to do, you know the tools, just reach for them. Baby steps, got to be baby steps. It's taken you a long time to reach today in your life.I don't see any positive thoughts in those items you listed above. Why don't you spread some light there instead?
I'm not sure where you are taking the artist way class at. I took it at the Center with Linda W.,also, walking in this world, Vein of Gold by Sonia Choquette (I believe). Linda is a very loving, nurturing person who can offer guidance. And you have Laura's class coming up, how fun is that? I still am up and down with my process, some days I get so angry, some days I'm flying high, but the flying high days are winning. You seem aware of your negative thoughts, that's a good step.
I shall give you an on-line hug, well guess that means I'm hugging the computer, but life is a journey fraught with emotions and lessons.
One final thing, I totally LOVE the image (did you take the photo) and the "poem" that accompanies it. The words are so real, so honest, a writing teacher told me that it's those raw emotions that are the fodder of good writing.
Guess I've said enough. Will leave room for others to comment.
Love,
Bev
How the heck do you re program 41 years of negative thinking? Baby steps thats how. One small do-able action a day.
ReplyDeleteNow I have to tell you. When I first read that you hated white people..because one had killed your brother....and that you were only 4 years old...whoa is right......that is too young to make that conclusion....someone put that into your mind over and over and over.....and hating stay at home moms....whoa again.....another imprinting on you....I am going to take a guess and say there was a lot of drama in your life growing up..am I close to being right? And maybe you have this in you to make drama to feel connected to yourself...drama and conflict are your way of feeling and being felt I think you are very much on your way to healing....you are connecting those childhood dots....those imposed impressions of yourself. Sit and write a list of what you desire in your life...you know what the list is...say them....then get them into your life. Seize your life...
ReplyDeletedon't look to anyone or anything to give it to you....( no one can!) I so am proud of you for asking yourself these painful questions...I know I have asked them to myself....and it is painful...it may take a long time to answer them ...and you must answer them...but may I add....the dazzling being that waits for you will be worth it....you..the revealed you. You are one terrific gal
Hi there lady,
ReplyDeleteLets put it straight, from my understand it's normal to reflect on our lives and where we are, just as long as we don't stare at it or get stuck. I've personally been a jounery much like yourself since I was 38 which is ten years now. And I'm giving myself two more years to get to a place that I feel good about and I have to tell you I'm almost there. There is a place in my heart and mind, A place that has had some life experiences and I've learned from them. Also I feel that what I have is really what I want and need and the act I take is to keep what I have, good home, good hubby, Good kids and job that is a passion and it's ok for me to do. I guess its taken me a while to realize what I want and need is what I have right now. And yes I've keep my opportunity doors open and wonderful events and avenues present themself daily. Some one once told me the battle is half over when you are simple aware. Three great words I love, Be aware first, Accept who what and where in life and then take action on behalf of yourself. Peace lady!
You may not see it, by you are moving forward. I can see it in your writings. The others are right in that it does take baby steps. I went through some pretty intense counseling several years ago, and my counselor kept reminding me that once I started on the road to recovering my self, it would seem to get worse before it got better. You may be experiencing that right now. The important thing is that you are not shrinking away from this important journey. I would like to share another insight from my counseling experience. I learned that I had a very wounded child inside me that was trying to keep in under control. No happiness for the adult me as long as she was still wounded. My counselor taught me a great trick. She helped me create a wonderful safe place in my mind. It was a place that had all the sights, sounds, smells, and toys that felt very safe to me. She then taught me to take my wounded child there, show her that she would be very safe, and tell her I would be back for her. Once I learned how to do that, the adult me could begin healing. When I was stronger, I went back to my wounded child and helped her to heal. It was a process that took a while, but it sure helped me get where I am today. You have within you a very strong, creative spirit. It is really trying to come out. I applaud your efforts to help it along by silencing the voices that were given to you by others. Be kind to that spirit, and to your wounded child.
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you the funniest thing. I haven't visited your blog for a couple of weeks because I've been so "busy" (yea, right). Anyway, I have lots of hummingbird feeders around my house and two that hang on my windows. I was standing at my kitchen sink watching the hummingbirds battle for position at the feeders and suddenly I thought of you! I sent you an e-mail with a meditation practice to help with creativity and then came to your blog and was stunned at your hummingbird revelation! You are doing incredible work--I could be jealous! Believe me when I tell you that the work you are doing and the steps and direction you are going are fabulous. You are an incredible woman. Do you know how much courage it took to look at your first marriage and realize it was not good and then divorce. Especially from a catholic upbringing! That is gutsy, lady, trust me--I know! It goes against all that we were raised to believe. I love your mom and think she is wonderful, but she did not have the courage to leave when she should have--for yours and your siblings sake, as well as her own. Sending you as much love as possible!
ReplyDelete