Stomp that Monster

In the middle of playing with the Reeses yesterday

I heard that little ugly voice

The one with the green eyes say

"You're not a real artist"

"You're just a middle-aged woman who discovered finger painting"

"Quiet" I said

But it persisted

Playing a slide show of beautiful creations by artist friends in my head

"I'm thrilled that they share their talent" I said

"But you'll never be that good - they're real artists" it countered

I persisted

"But we all have to start somewhere

And some of us have to start with fingerpainting

To try to break the spell YOU have over us

telling us we're no good 

We have to remember what it was like to have fun"

It was quiet a while

I wondered if it were gone

And I continued to play

Then I heard

"You know you're just a sleeper in the crowd"

"Nothing special about you"

 Oh for pete's sake I thought 'go away'

Silence for a bit then it kept pulling things up that 

had worked in the past

Until I finally gave in

And wallowed in self pity for a couple hours

But I knew I had a choice

Continue the wallowing or recognize it for what it was

I meditated on it and received my answer
I knew it wasn't the art thing this ego monster was attacking
It attacks anything I focus my attention on
As in biker, healer, mom, whatever

~ ~ ~

There's a time to look out beyond yourself

And there's a time when you need to learn 

to love and respect yourself

To look close beyond the monster

And I realized that no matter my imperfections

I'm still someone special

And I'll be a real artist etc. etc. if it kills me

...or the monster

This buddhist quote was waiting on my computer this morning
"Your work is to discover your work 

and then with all your heart to give yourself to it" 

As well as two emails from special artist friends

which reinforced that I had made the right decision

Thanks Anne and Shelley