The Fight-Round 1

I spoke of uniforms and how they can transform my attitude for the task at hand. Silly? Sure. But if it works for super heros, why not me. Soldiers arm themselves with whatever tools they need to conquer the enemy. My enemy is strong. How do you fight that part of you, which seems determined to get you at any cost, if you occupy the same body? If this side of me is my ego, then I've read of tricks to conquer this ego and others that teach how to make it your friend. I can't be friends with mine yet. I have to keep an eye on it at all times. It sneaks in the shadows ready for me to let down my guard. And it's ready for all out war as it sees itself in jeopardy.

I have a long story about two recent incidents/signs that led me to butterflies. But that'll be for another day. The result is one meditation cd and one silly, gaudy necklace made out of a bottle cap that I've converted into a ring. What makes these remarkable? Well as much as I like butterflies, I don't usually find myself pulled towards them as symbols. I armed myself with these two weapons in my studio the other day and just...painted. I had no reference photos, no books, no ideas. Just painted, watched my ring sparkle in the light as my brush swished across the canvas, and listened to the cd. Then I stopped and really listened. I felt like something hit me across the head; like I've seen moms do to kids to stop them from misbehaving. I paused Barry Goldstein's song, Butterfly, and replayed it to hear this again...

...Butterfly

it was cold in that cocoon

so I pulled you out
to dance under the moon
and your heart just shines

so so brilliantly

like a child's first breath

you set my spirit free....

I know it's even sillier to admit that I wanted to cry. THAT spoke to me in such a deep way; for 40 years I was safely wrapped in a cocoon. My heart was cold and I felt dead. I think someone had mercy on me and decided to pull me out for my own good. For the last two years I think I've been trying to crawl back in but the damned walls won't stay up. I have no choice...I'm free now. It's going to be a rough ride but I can do it. Slowly. I think I'm being taught patience. I'm in a damned metamorphis stage whether I like it or not.

When the song finished, I looked at my painting. I started to feel a bit of pride but my ego woke up like a lion. I stopped and haven't touched it since the garden needs tending and my son had a cold. I worked on it a bit again today but my ego found me eventually.

"What is that? You call those leaves? It looks like crap. Who are you kidding?" It rambled on and on.

"It's only the base drawing. It doesn't have to look real, it's not a photo. I like it." I shot back.

But eventually I decided to chalk one up for ego and I put my things away. I may come back to this painting eventually but for now my garden calls.... Don't misunderstand, the fight's not over. I'm just learning when it's best to walk away.

Could you offer constructive criticism on my painting's progress? Something I can keep in mind when, if, I go back to it? It's the base drawing, I haven't added highlights, tones, background...