Memory Lane

Strange mood today.

Not happy, not sad, not angry.

I'm just......here.

I scanned some blogs and felt my mood drop a bit.

Seems many artistic types don't ever truly believe in themselves.

A constant drive-a yearning.

But for what?

And yet, they're really high when they're creating.

And really down when it's done.

So they start all over again.

Instead of a spiral it's a rollercoaster of ups & downs.

But why?

What for?

Surely not for the money.

Because it's very apparent this isn't the profession to be in

if money is a factor.

Recognition?

"Atta-boys/girls" don't put food on the table.

And then there's the rare ones like Suz who I have yet to figure out.

Like a nature fairy fluttering amongst the greys.

And yet, instead of running to hide from this darned call

This darned yearning to create

I find myself drawn to it even more

I dreamt of various creations again

And I told it to go away-I can't create right now

I can't open any doors right now

It's all I can do to keep things contained.

And I ran into these old sketches.

Hmmm they're about 22 years old now.

At first I thought, ugghh, I should be better by now.

Then I thought, well you would if you practiced more.

Then I decided, I love black and white and shadows

I love pencils

And the fancy pants living room?

Well I forgot it was part of a school presentation for a house.

We had to present a rendering with the architectural prints.

I didn't recognize it.

I didn't remember doing it.

But my name was on it.

And then it came to me-it was airbrush and colored pencil.

I remember now how thrilling it was to see it come together.

And I remembered what I liked about my job.

To stand in a bare office or lab and envision what it would look like

To present the plans to clients and interpret what you see in your mind

So that they can see it too.

To interpret what you see in your mind to the tradesmen

And to stand in a finished space at the end

And see your creation come alive. That's cool.

So I guess I never really did hide from being creative.

It just found another outlet.

Now...back to the roller coaster....my ride awaits...