What is that saying? An idle mind is the devil's playground?
I found out the hard way how dangerous and true this statement can be.
Suddenly the supposed internal struggle I had with figuring out what to do with my life seems like child's play. Ha - creating isn't as tough as dealing with my mind.
It took me alot to decide whether to post this or not. Figured I might as well since I'm hoping to grow from these posts and also because if anyone happens to stumble across this craziness and find themselves in the same predicament they'll know they're not nuts. Or that atleast they have company.
My hubby teases that if only the government could bottle the power of my mind, we could bring back our troops. I have an uncanny ability to physically make myself ill with negative thoughts. Honestly. I'll worry about something and <boing> out pops a cyst or sinus infection. (Yuck, I know) And although I'm not afraid of death, I mentioned that I'm afraid of leaving my son too soon. That's it. So it's strange that since this started, my son has been acting out. I know it's growing pains-he's 11. But it's pretty darned painful to see the hatred in his eyes and try convincing yourself he really does need you. When his dad brought him home yesterday it was like daggers from my son's eyes. He picked up right where he left off. I finally asked why he was being so mean and he said he didn't know why he hated me so much. Hmmm. (stab stab)
So that's all my little mind needed. I'm sitting in the dark at 1 in the morning feeling rather peaceful. I resigned. I resigned to the fact that ok, if I was afraid of dying to be with him but he hates having me around, then this must be natures way of saying that if I check out now then he can go back with his dad and all will be well. But a little teeny voice is saying "no no don't think that because you'll bring negative vibes. It's not meant to be." And I told myself today would be another day. But when he woke up and again I got the daggers...well it's pretty darned hard to convince yourself you're needed.
Ha! I am most definitely off my rocker. I'm going to my appointment tomorrow. If it's bad, no problem. If it's good, no problem. I'll take it from there. But whew, thank goodness I only have one pre-pubescent child. They're brutal!
Meanwhile, this reminds me of something I read. As we dig deep to find ourselves we are bound to stir up alot of things (crap). The insignificant stuff will be washed away. What matters are those that sift and settle to the bottom. It's these that will serve as a foundation to begin rebuilding the new you.
Note to the cosmos:
Did you forget I'm stuck in the mixing phase? I think I'm ready for that foundation...
Maui Hawaii 2007
Oh, I wish I had brought home the quote I wrote down today!
ReplyDeleteSo many things stirring in your pot!
Something like this... we are not here to find ourselves. We are here to create ourselves.
Create some peace.
I remember when a friend shared a store about the fight the husband and her always got into when they were leaving to go away somewhere... don't know why they did it but it always happened.. then a little deeper thought came in to it as of it was hard to say good bye to each other and hug and give each other a kiss... the pain of leaving each other was to hard so by fighting they didn't need to feel that pain... as for our beloved children.. Many growing stages going on.. they sense our own personal growning pains and then react to that...Also he's at an age now where it's becoming not cool to hang with MoM to much... might get called Mama's boy or something so he's working on building up a little space... What's funny is now as I watch my husband and other mother son relationships those boys protect their mothers like no other... so let it be what it is and allow time and space to give diretion... and if you keep pushing it will make him go away more... so let him do some independent growing and if he see you seeking comfort in Jake more comfort in you Hubby which is more natual then anything it's just a react to all this stuff quiet possible going on... we are so connected it's almost to funny we call it the domino effect in our house...
ReplyDeleteI often wonder sometimes that things like this go on so we don't have to think about the other pressing stuff we have to face... You know keeps us side tracked and busy..
Your attitude is good Elena... knowing that you have support all round you is you foundation... we/I am keeping good thought out there for what every is to be revealed.. Hugs lady!
Laura said it all, didn't she? So good, Laura. And yes, ugh those growing pains. Calm your spirit, Elena, and he will feel that and know what is right. hugs from me too.
ReplyDelete"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." ~George Bernard Shaw
ReplyDeleteElena,
I raised sons through divorce. There is something bothering him. Sons tend to be more protective of their single mothers. He may be very jealous you turn to the hubby instead of him.