It's safe to say this is the first Christmas that I am not "Christmasey"
I've been struggling trying to get into the spirit
Hubby hung the lights outside right after Thanksgiving
I frowned
When my ex took my son and his family to cut down a tree and did the decorating
I hoped that would be enough for my son
But he wants the full displays
And I've tried and just don't have it
I was even temporarily inspired by a post Suz wrote
And I know the true meaning of Christmas
But it seems it wants to stay snuggled close inside instead of outward sharing
Then I 'happened to' open this video yesterday
And I cried
I opened it again today thinking I was braver
And I cried
Man, I'm becoming a soppy chicken in my old age-what gives?!
It's not the singing, it's the words
They sucker punched me
"Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too"
(partial lyrics "Where Are You Christmas"
So I figured there must be something there. Turns out if you want to know something you just have to ask. I called my Mama. I insisted every child is born happy so I was determined to know when I lost my 'happy'. She said I was extremely shy but very happy. She said I would never leave my brother's side (there was a 13 yr difference between us). He'd play the radio all the time and we would dance. She said I couldn't get enough of him, the music and dancing.
"Then when did my happy stop?" I asked.
She hesitated then said "The day he died, you stopped being happy"
Oh.
That's the day the music died.
Hell no wonder that video makes me cry.
The little girl singing is 4 years old.
My brother died when I was 4 years old.
Hmmmm....I think I just discovered the first healing step.
That was fast.
On a funny note, my sister said when I was in daycare I had a crush on a boy I called Hoho.
Apparently my love of hohos extended way back then.
Bummer.
Sounds like the Universe is guiding you the way you need to go and showing you what you need to see.
ReplyDeleteYou brought a tear to my eye Elena, sadness and joy.
ReplyDeleteVery well done on your step forward.
Well, you described pretty much how I feel about all the overblown holidays decorating and *stuff*. I like a quiet little Christmas---and that directly relates to the year both my parents died.
ReplyDeleteWe always did the whole house, yard, you stand still long enough, you get decorated.
Now my thoughts/needs of the Holidays are different. I am doing new family traditions---SMALL.
And I watched the Grinch last night and love Cindy Lou's song---she sums it all up.
Life changes and somehow we are expected to always make the Holidays the same.
And that is not possible........
Many hugs~~XXOO ♥♥♥
Anne
hmmm
ReplyDeleteback to the weeds for me
I missed the Grinch? Beautiful video... but I'm sitting at my desk, with three shirts, two pair socks, long underwear, dreaming of spring. I guess Christmas comes first. I like the soppy Elena.
ReplyDeleteYour mom is right, that is the day the happy died for you. I hope your holiday season brings you your "happy" back. Hugs from California.
ReplyDeleteMy last few Christmas' have been pretty blue, but this year, I am enjoying it. I have much lower expections of others and of myself somehow - not sure how that came to be (could be my Vitamin D + Prescribed Happy Pills + meditation + lots of art making = More Mellow Christmas Kim), but I did remark about just that to the hubby this week. I am looking to the little things for my joys, like the fact that I found the perfect set of beading things for my bead obsessed little neice Katie or the fact that the hubby put up the lights outside even when I didn't care about them because he said he loves driving into the drive way after work and seeing them shine against the snow. Happy ? Not sure, but contented, that's for sure. Feels pretty good really.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find some Ho, Ho, Ho this season too, Elena, even if it is just in some little things.
Holiday hugs, my Friend !
Hmmm, well all I can say is I've been feeling the same exact way!! Crying and not finding my Christmas spirit or my happy. Isn't this curious? I rested all day and am feeling a little better spiritually. Maybe we need to let go of the expectations and listen to what the universe is telling us and follow that path. As for the happy in your life, I think Carlos would want you to dance and sing again. You and I know he is watching you because he loved you so much. Turn on the music and groove, let it move you. Maybe turn on some Christmas rock music and you'll be dancing and decorating before you know it! And...I need to follow my advice as well, teehee!
ReplyDelete