Road Kill on the path

There's a drawback to opening yourself up to feeling more. When I started tearing down that 'wall' I'd built around myself I quickly learned I could no longer do things like watching the news or being around certain people without feeling as if my head had fallen off. Apparently I didn't realize this extended to certain movies.

My sister spent the weekend with me. We had a wonderful time and vegged on the couch Saturday watching movies while it snowed outside. Until we watched The Knowing which has to do with the end of the world. Two scenes have been permanently etched in my mind. The screaming of people on fire after a plane crash. And the screaming of animals in a forest fire. I thought I was going to vomit. I tried chastising myself that this was a movie and I had seen worse. But it was too late. I felt that iciness in my chest. At first I was angry with myself that I had never reacted this way before so why now. Then I fell into this quiet sadness that kept me silent for a couple days. I've missed dinners with my family as I lay in bed praying that I not open my eyes again. I fell into that dangerous 'why bother' mode of thinking.

And the electrical problems continue with the furnace blower and washer dying. But again I reacted with deranged laughter.Delirium? No, it's actually quite amusing in a twisted sort of way. So when I opened my eyes for a third morning today and wanted to cry because I was still here, I knew I had to do something. So I took the dogs to the vet. Sounds stupid I know but something about seeing the way one dog worries about the other made me feel better. Simple love.

I'm still not myself just yet but atleast I'm no longer feeling like road kill on my path. And as I started to chastise myself for feeling gloomy when others have it so much worse, I stopped myself. I think these 'road kill' moments happen to stir things up and expose that which may be hidden. I'm great at ignoring emotional things I don't want to deal with and try to bury them away. This used to work perfectly in the past. And I suppose it's how I built such a rocky foundation. But it seems this time around I'm not being allowed to do the same. This time around requires a solid foundation from the start and the 'road kill' moments uncover that which I'm trying to ignore. So I'm left sitting in the middle of all these exposed emotions as if I'm at the center of a snow globe. Hmmmm...not too bad. If I confront them, I can deal with them and break their stronghold as they act like an anchor tied to my leg.

So actually all these crazy feelings (and crazy electronic blips) are a blessing in disguise. Whew....I'll try to remember that.

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth"

Partial lyrics from "Fix You" by Coldplay

The Disclaimer: I'm not looking for pity. My intent is to share the good and bad on my quest. If someone sees something familiar in my 'bad', then they won't feel like they're the only one feeling a bit crazy. And that makes me feel better.

The Question: Do you think we are born for a reason?