Bring out the harness

I was thinking (uh oh)

I used to think I was the only one who would mentally beat the crap out of myself

One doubt spilling over into the next

Gathering momentum like a rock rolling down a hill

Until cascading into a barrage of brutally mean self lashing

Telling myself things I would never even think of another human being

So why hurt the person that I should love the most?

Me

And I was thinking some more (double uh oh)

 When I first started my professional career

I perfected this act of self-lashing

Looking around the table at the mature men in suits

Oozing confidence, satisfaction, knowledge

I started using excuses to feed the doubt

I'm too young, the only girl, need more schooling

Until I started listening to what was being said

You know, the message beneath the words being spoken

The look in the eye

And I realized some of those self-assured men

Were harboring similar doubts; fighting the self-lashing

And instead of feeling compassion

I stepped my self-lashing up a notch

Until someone committed suicide 

And I felt anger that we do this to ourselves

Each company was the same

The suits, the confidence, the knowledge

But the higher I went I learned another side effect of self lashing

In order to make themselves feel better about themselves

Some resorted to backstabbing, belittling, and other strange behavior

People, sometimes strangers, started confiding in me

But I was most surprised by the number of men

Whose doubts and self-lashing far exceeded my own

I started standing up for people

While still taking my own self-inflicted hits

So why do we do it?

Apparently it's a strong force

Capable of inspiring negative behavior

So it would make sense then that it should have a positive side

Perhaps a force to be harnessed

And used as a motivator

Coerced to speak nicely

~ ~ ~ ~

(Reminds me of the naughty parrot joke where the parrot's bad language and attitude cause his owner to toss him in the freezer in a moment of desperation. The parrot soon quiets down and the owner opens the door to find the parrot's attitude transformed and begging for forgiveness.  Asking the owner one question 

"May I ask, what did the chicken do?"
 ~ ~
Note to self-doubt: Don't make me bring out the deep fryer