No more Boo-hoo-hoos

Ok, I'm going to pretend nobody is reading this

And post some rather personal stuff

(wait I always do that -hee hee)

But I'm onto something here, I can feel it

I noticed in yesterday's photos

That I looked pretty damned happy

I had smiley eyes and a genuine smile

I had a unique (fun) style of dressing

and had just started to discover being me

And as I looked at more photos, something happened

If I put photos in chronological order after marriage #1

And flip through them like an animated flip book

You can almost see the change

In my eyes, clothing and smile

Along with my weight

And the color of my skin

It wasn't the new husband, it was married life

And at the same time I started it, I started the career

Stress, worry, long hours took their toll
Illnesses and problems seemed to multiply

Add to that the pressure of his family asking when I'd get pregnant

his working nights, my being lonely, and all the fertility drugs

And the subsequent weight gain

Some of the family on both sides started teasing me

about letting myself go

Telling me I really should lose weight

I wonder if they realized

that for every question and taunt

I magnified it 10x more in my head

until I couldn't stand being with myself

convinced I was a failure as a human being

I gave up

convinced myself I had one way out

 Funny thing

Once I made the decision to quit

And after 8 years of crapola

I got pregnant

But even getting what I'd always wanted

I forgot how to be happy
It was too late

His family asked about kid #2

Offered suggestions on losing weight

I was miserable and angry

And I walked out on marriage #1

Funny thing is, having grown up in my Mama's abusive marriage 

I knew never to fall into the same situation

I just never learned to watch out for what I could do to myself

Towards the end of marriage #1
I discovered the motorcycle

And a spark was lit deep inside my belly

I joined the women motorcycle gang

Got divorced

Bought a condo
Traded the bike for a bigger one

Everyone yelled

I thought they'd commit me

 I felt guilty for feeling 'real'

But with these acts I put a stop to the bullying

from myself and everyone around me

It's as if I died

And was given a second chance
Perhaps because I now recognize what happened
And I'm ready to discover myself again
Because I've noticed that the smile
the real one
Is coming back again

And the images in my head
that have been begging to spill onto the canvas
remind me of that person I was starting to become
before I got sidetracked
And my taste in clothes is trying to change
but I've been battling my head who tells me we're too old for that

Hmmm...perhaps I should die my hair blue

and freak myself out again

~ ~ ~ ~

So why is someone with body-image issues actually sharing so many pictures of herself? Because I will never forget how close I came to never having this second lifetime. Had things not changed, those last three pictures would have never existed. And I just want everyone to know, it's never that bad. No matter what your inner critic tries to tell you. It's never that bad. I just have to watch out not to pass judgment on the whimpy me then. I mean, hell, I know I'm stronger than that. Humppphhhh....

Oh, and your thoughts are downright powerful.

Thank God I figured this out and using them for good instead of bad.  

Hee hee like super powers.

I'll be Wonder Woman

~ ~ ~ ~

“Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together.”
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