Most Important Creation

I found an ideal part time job...but I can't take it - I'm not willing to make the commute again and it would cause problems for the owner. Personal vendettas. My left-brained subconscious threw a tantrum as it kicked against the walls in my head and sulked into the dark recesses. But a tiny little right-brained voice whispered "it's not time, you haven't learned your lesson". What? What lesson? Usually I give in to the left-brained tantrums but this time I listened.

Would life be any easier if we had one mode of thinking instead of this competition between two halves of the same brain. The war of logical vs random, rational vs intuitive. Or is it my lesson in this life to find the right balance between these two halves. And it occurred to me that although I feel I have grown since I left work and remarried, I haven't learned enough. I am sitting on that proverbial fence with a slight lean to the old me with the old ways of doing and thinking. The self-martyr, the worrier, the self-abusing, dramatic doomer. To jump back into the world now would not be jumping in with both feet but rather a precarious balance on one big toe. It wouldn't take much to make me teeter and fall. But how do I move this along at a faster pace. I'm not living forever, afterall.

But it made me realize that I have been handed a rare gift at this moment in my life. Because my hubby is busting his bootay to support me, and my ex is providing child support to my son, and I have connected with you all as teachers....I am able to stay home and try to learn my lesson. It's not about creating art. It's about my relationship with the process. I struggle with the experimentation because my logical side keeps trying to correct it. Construction teaches that being off an 1/8 of an inch can be detrimental but a mistake in an artistic creation could be just the thing you were looking for. And I find that some days I give in to the left brain and walk away because I don't know how to do it or it's wrong. Other days I charge through the roadblocks and just try it. Those are the best days. But there aren't many of those...yet.

Laura's collage class has been great. I feed off the energy of the other creative spirits and I think I can do it....until I get home. Then I have no clue. But I've been pretending and just doing it anyway - working through the battle in my head.

Part of me squirms when it sees the mess I'm making as I try to create. The other part wants to jump with glee and clap my hands as I say "WOW-look at the mess I made - COOL!" But hubby usually walks in, opens his eyes wide and walks back out. I know it drives him nuts to see the mess in here. So he stays out. Out of sight out of mind. It works for both of us.

I made myself an apron with a saying I saw on a blog. I thought it was fitting because afterall, I'm working on the most important creation of my life. I'm creating myself - I'm making an artist.