Sitting on the Fence

Before I started working in the construction field I admired the strength in the people who worked around me. They knew it all, had it all, and I was the only one who just didn't have it all together. I wasn't worthy of the position, the money, etc.etc.. I met, and worked, with all types of people and eventually started studying them. There was a benefit to being so quiet. Everyone talked to me and eventually confided their secrets. Turns out there were alot of screwed up people. Mainly, they were all afraid in one manner or another. This was most evident in the managers. Seems there were two types; the rule with an iron fist jackasses who made people's lives miserable to make themselves feel better and the type who sat on the fence and swayed with the most popular opinion of the moment. This latter type was the most frustrating because you just couldn't count on their decisions. Luckily I viewed this all as an outsider. I was disgusted that I had measured myself against those I perceived to be strong and yet were boneless. When exactly do you lose your moxy as you get older? Or was it ever there? Is everything smoke and mirrors?

There's danger in sitting on the fence. You can only play that balancing act so long before you tip over. Right out of college my boss' supervisor was a great guy. Funny, fair, and smart. I admired him for his authority and still keeping a smile on his face. I had a chance to meet with him privately a few times and realized he was a fence sitter. He was afraid of being perceived badly by his peers and so faltered in his decisions. I told him it didn't matter and just do what he thought best.

I was shocked when I heard he had a breakdown. Someone found him sitting in his car at the side of the expressway; babbling. He came back to work and I told him not to take work so seriously. He said the jackass types were putting pressure on him. He killed himself a week later. Was it worth it? Nope, the jackass types didn't blink an eye. When I was promoted and they tried the same with me, I told them where to put the job and quit.

I've been lucky throughout my work career to be able to see through people. I stopped comparing myself to others. I still struggled with not feeling worthy or smart enough but that's me I guess. Funny how I had trouble applying this concept to my personal life. I do compare myself against others but not as much as I was say... last week :). I write this to remind myself that things are never as bad as they are perceived. It's a matter of controlling your thoughts/emotions before they control you. If you have self doubts chances are the people around you are having the same.

And I can say that this little pact of creativity is making a difference. My mind doesn't race as much. This time I tried playing with some of my photos. Nothing fancy, I wanted to see what they would look like in black and white vs color. Because it's all a matter of perception....