Doors

I'm like a stray cat that suspiciously eyes a stranger with a handout. Cautiously taking a step closer and ready to dart at the slightest sign of movement. I won't go to church but am feeling a need to go check things out. And when I did and didn't find whatever I was looking for I said I wouldn't go back. Well four times. I've been to several random churches four times and everytime found them locked.  How rude...now God won't let me in His house! That'll teach me for showing up every so often and then leaving when I don't find what I'm looking for.

But today I knew He'd have to let me in. I had to attend my friend's dad's funeral. And the door was open and I was able to confront something hidden. I was feeling tense about going to the funeral. I hadn't seen her in 2 years and her dad in 20 or so. When she thanked me for coming and said her dad really loved me I felt guilty. For not having atleast called to say hi once in a while. But I couldn't. I went to look for her one day and he cornered me. He tried kissing me and had me in a squeeze hug and I felt so uncomfortable and guilty. Really really guilty. Ugghh. I'll never tell her. I'd rather she continue thinking I'm cold. But I mentally told her dad I was cool with all and I hoped he would rest peacefully. So that door closed.

And then a man with a guitar began singing the hymns in english and spanish and it was amazingly beautiful. And something clicked. Some extremely peaceful feeling. I wasn't sure yet what I was looking for but I'm getting close. I don't know if it was the church, or the cultural connection to the old neighborhood and people, the guitar, or the letting go of some guilt. But it was nice and I felt another door open.

And for a moment I reminded myself to stop trying to force things. Instead of carelessly rushing head down in a straight line I must enjoy the journey too. I remind myself that doing so is not a passive approach. Sometimes I just don't have the birds-eye view of things. Something I think is just what I need right now may turn out to be completely wrong for me down the road.

Imagine riding along the straight desert roads doing 70. You're tired and just want to get home so you maintain your speed even though the fog is setting in. In your rush to get there you don't realize you're entering the mountain roads and your 'straight-road rush' just became a dive off a mountain curve. Life can be like that. Sometimes you speed along and other times you have to slow down and dance with the road.

Have patience with everything

unresolved in your heart and try to

love the questions themselves, as if they

were locked rooms, or books

written in a very foreign language.

Don't search for the answers,

which could not be given to you

now, because you would not be

able to live them. And the point

is to live everything. Live the

questions now. Perhaps then, someday

far in the future, you will gradually,

without even noticing it, live

your way into the answer.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

(Thanks to April for sharing this poem with me)