"Most people don't know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable & fall asleep & miss your life."~Brian Andreas

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Kick the Bucket

I saw a movie tonight where a woman lived her life fearfully but quietly allowed herself to dream big. She placed photos representing those dreams into a book of Possibilities. When she was diagnosed with a terminal disease, she cashed in all her assets and went after her dreams. In this case, a posh European hotel to meet a famous chef. Nothing fancy. And in the process, she lived it up. She tossed aside her fear & tried all the things that would normally scare her.

It made me think. If I were to receive a similar diagnosis, what would I do? I've had friends try to battle cancer unsuccessfully for up to three years. Three years of absolute torment. Would it have been better for them to live, really live, those short lives instead of spending them in hospitals and hugging a toilet? And I wondered again, what would I do? When I looked in the mirror after such a diagnosis how would I fill in the blank in the statement "If I had another chance, I would_______".

And I realized, I don't have big dreams. Hell, I don't have dreams anymore. No passionate dreams that make my eyes sparkle or warm my heart at the thought of them. And I looked at my vision board and realized they are all small little goals. They are safe. Things that won't disappoint me if I don't achieve them. And then I started getting angry. Why the hell won't I allow myself to dream big? Because I don't deserve it? I'm sure I've paid for the things I've done - I should have a clean slate now. Money?

If I met up with my dad and brother again, what stories would I have to tell. "Well dad you see, I was waiting to make more money or for more skills or that paint to go on sale..." He'd probably clunk me on the head.

I'm making my own book of Possibilities, my own 'bucket list', my "Elena, let yourself dream big" list. Hmmm, I kinda like that. It's like being in kindergarten and having a blank piece of paper with a box of crayons. I can feel the possibilities.

The start of my list....
Play with my son
Ride the moto cross country
Learn to ride a horse
Cattle drive
See the pyramids
Visit the European churches
Visit Tuscany
See the monarch butterflies in Mexico
Live in the Southwest
Meditate with the monks

Wow, this may be easier than I thought......

8 comments:

  1. But you got the rest of your life to live it.

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  2. I love your list. I am reading more about creative visualization right now, and it is beginning to make sense. You have the power within yourself to make all these things happen if you so choose. You have inspired me to rethink my bucket list, and my vision board.

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  3. Hey you forgot to add - visit Uta in Australia to cuddle a koala. I must say still on the top of my list is go to France and eat cheese. Then off to Tuscany to eat crusty bread dipped in olive oil. Oh it seems to be all about food. Ha! It always is.

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  4. Oh... I may have to get off my pity pot and start dreaming too!

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  5. I find your blog captivating. You seem to be able to put down in words so many thoughts/ideas/emotions that really touch home with me. The above is yet another example.
    Ian.

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  6. wow...you just slapped me {in a really good way} to start looking and thinking about dreams with a different set of eyes....with more importance, more vigor, more hunger.....

    okay...time to be that little girl in school with a blank sheet of paper and a brand new box of crayons.....and I see you there, sitting right next to me :)

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