Uncomfortable Truth

I remember being a kid and watching the movie, Sybil, based on multiple personality disorders. I wondered if I had multiple personalities; or atleast a couple. How could I think or feel conflicting emotions so much? There always seemed to be a push & pull inside me. A parent and disobedient child relationship. A desire to succeed and then a slap on the wrist for having done so. A love and hate relationship with myself.

And even now I berate myself for my lack of passion but then realize that it's been passion that has pushed me in my successes. So how could I lack it and have it at the same time? So I looked up the definition of passion:.

1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
3. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.
4. violent anger.

Aha. So I don't have multiple personality disorder. I just misunderstood passion. I thought it was an overwhelming love that fueled the action towards reaching the desired outcome. I mistook anger as the negative emotion. But it's actually anger that has lit the fire under my butte most of the time. I don't do things out of love. Maybe my wires are crossed. So what...whatever gets me to the end result..right?

But while sitting in the waiting room in my head I realized something that's difficult for me to admit. This is really uncomfortable for me to even admit to myself (eyes averted, toe shuffling now). I realized I have an innate desire to be...special. Perhaps it's having been born late into my family. Or having everyone shut down emotionally when my brother died when I was four. Wanting to jump up and down and scream "notice me". Or....oh hell, it's nobody's fault. It's just me; those crossed wires again. I want to be important. (squirm, squirm) I want to know I came to this world and made a difference to somebody that's not family (throwing blanket over head now). I don't want to be a housewife and wash dishes and clothes for the rest of my life. (tantrum). I need to decide if creating is the path for me or just another thing I latched onto to avoid the truth.

And I don't know what I want to be. I don't know what my passion is. But that's ok at this moment. For now I have to own up to that very uncomfortable truth that just surfaced. I want to be special but I am not conceited. I want to be important but not famous. I want to be noticed but left alone. Ah the world of contradictions. I am now retreating back to my waiting room chair to mull this over. There's a balance here; I just have to find it.

~ ~ ~ ~ Update ~ ~ ~ ~

After I posted this message I left home to pick up my son from school. I turned on the radio and the host said something about passion. Of course my ears tuned in immediately. He said many times people don't think they have passion and all they have to do is ask. Ask yourself what makes you mad, sad or glad. Said the cool thing is that we were all made differently so we'll all have different answers to those questions. The answers will give us an idea of our purpose. What we're good at and may have forgotten or hidden away.

Synchronicity...never ceases to amaze me