Oh, the lies we tell~

Warning - This is really self-pitying whining. Feel free to skip.

So, you may think I forgot all about that book I was following. Nope. Seems I got stuck at the organizing part. I have reorganized every cabinet, closet, drawer, crawlspace...in the house. I only have one pile left...the pictures. And I didn't know if I was ready yet. And today I was surprised to find that I could look at them without crying. But I discovered a new emotion which I'll call regretful anger.

And with that I am about to contradict myself. I said I wouldn't blame anyone for mistakes I've made. But for one post I am going to give my child-self a voice. I am going to release the pent up tantrum that wants to throw herself onto the floor kicking and screaming. Why here? Because I have kept quiet for so long, only releasing little bits and pieces like emotional vents. And because somebody just reached out to me and I want them to know everything is going to be ok. You do heal.

I don't know how to love somebody and Dad it's all your fault. It's not okay to have mistresses and flaunt them in front of your family. Do I have other siblings? It's not okay to get drunk and try to kill your wife every night. And then wake up like nothing happened. Do you realize what it's done to each of your kids and how they handle relationships? Do you know why I have an uncontrollable need to plan for the future? I didn't know if I was going to be left alone. And do you know how hard it is to keep things secret when the neighborhood hears things crashing? Do you know what it does to someone when they love and hate you all at once? And Mom you should have left when I begged. I'll never understand the one-sided love. And siblings, why did we have to pretend nothing happened. You all left and I didn't know what was right or wrong. And do you know what happens when an uncle and cousins know you have no voice and that your parents are too busy to notice you? And that when you ask for help you shouldn't just be patted on the head like you don't matter? But Mom you taught me amazing strength and that a woman could be mom and dad. And I'll love you always for that.

And I was sent out into the world on a foundation I had created based on lies, self-hate, and proof that love between a man & woman didn't exist or last. And when I looked at the pictures I felt sorry for myself. I miss what my first hubby and I could have had. It's my fault we got divorced. And I'll always regret that. But just for today I will be a baby and blame my childhood. Just for today.

I wish I could go back and confront all those who hurt me but they're all dead. And then I realized why I was so embarrassed when I said I wanted to be important or noticed. I had to shut up for so long that after a while you just want somebody to know you're alive. I'm not conceited. It was just my baby-self trying to speak up. Don't get me wrong, my Mom and sisters made things as happy as possible whenever they could. But there was too much I couldn't talk about and that we couldn't share. And you begin to believe the lies that you told yourself. And eventually it becomes hard to tell yourself the truth and you get lost. And you take people down with you...perhaps that's what happened to my Dad. And it would take pages and pages for me to confess all my mistakes so I'll just say I hope I'll be forgiven for all the crap I've done. I know better now...too late.

But, I found my voice now. And I can't shut up. And almost two years ago I started chapter 2 of my life. And this one has no lies. And I'm trying to learn to love. But the biggest challenge has been learning to believe in myself. And to trust (whoa, my word for the year). But now that I've blown the top wide open, perhaps the rest of the little vampires that are lurking in the shadows will get fried by the light.

Chapter 1 - Wow, I was young! And skinny!             Chapter 2 - Gained a family and umm-some pounds!  

I suppose that's why I haven't been able to stop organizing.

And the re-organization seems to be spilling into my emotional 'house' as well.

Sorry you all had to 'hear' this but again, for the person who reached out, I am here for you.

And this pity chapter is now closed.

And gone.