Shameful Ice Queen

I had talk radio on as background noise while I ran errands. I 'tuned' in to what was being said and had the impression I was meant to listen. They were talking about the things that happen in our lives that form us. How it's the hurtful moments that provide the best lessons; the ones we prefer to bury deep inside and not think about. How we should meditate and ask to be shown what it is about that specific event that is important to our journey. As I started to scrunch my nose and reach over to change the station, I quickly had a mental flash to 'friends'. Alot of questions seemed to do the mental dash all at once. I stopped and wondered; so there's supposedly a message for me in my refusal to have friends? Yeah right!

Then I remembered that last night I found a class reunion photo on Facebook with several of my grammar school classmates. It was strange to see how much older they look-and yet the same. Later I felt a familiar twinge of always being the outsider. I was so damned shy. I wondered if I were to do it all over again, would it be different. Would I be friends with these people? And I thought, nope, not interested in friends.

Then I remembered that I never called my friends for the holidays. It's not like it would have taken alot of time; there are only three. And I only see them maybe once every two years or so. But as fast as the thought came, it went. And it occurred to me that Wed night is a meeting with the women's club in town. I've avoided the meetings and now one of my neighbors is driving me in with her. I guess they've figured out I won't go otherwise.

And I refocused on the radio as I took my hand away from the controls. Hmmm, perhaps they're onto something there. Why do I refuse to make friends? The closest I've come to friends are bloggers and those I see in drawing class. Oh boy I sound pathetic huh. But I'd rather have it that way. Why?

Then hubby came home looking really bad. He had gone to visit his best friend in the hospital. They've found a tumor in his spine and hubby is really upset. They grew up together, he served in 'Nam with his brother, they're tight.  And as he was talking I found myself thinking that I didn't understand his extent of hurt for a friend. I understand hurt for family. Don't get me wrong; I think it's horrible when things happen to people I don't even know. But he is so hurt. And I think he saw it in my eyes. Because he stopped talking and tried to change the subject. He does everything for me; so the least I could do is listen and be there for him.

So I apologized. And said I don't understand why I can cry during abused animal commercials but be so dry-eyed when it comes to friends. Instead of crying, I get angry. Anger towards the situation causing the hurt in someone. And I realized that this message of friends may be so that I can provide the proper support that my hubby seems to need. I don't have a clue how but I figure all I have to do is be there to listen and maybe provide a hug.

Ugghh, I'm an ice queen! How horrible is that. Not only don't I want to take the time to make friends, now I don't even know how to act for hubby. I suppose it's time to try opening up to some flesh and blood friends. I'll go to that meeting tomorrow and try to mingle. Perhaps it's what I need to start melting the block of ice around my heart.

The radio show ended with the woman saying
 that traveling a journey of self discover is not for the faint of heart.
 Sometimes it takes alot of guts to face the ugliness within.

No shit! (sorry)