Ready for Takeoff

An old riding buddy stopped by a few weeks ago to ask if we wanted to go out on the motorcycles. Without thinking I said, "nope, I don't ride much anymore and thinking of selling her". He sat there with his mouth open. So our buddy left nodding his head. Hubby turned to look at me and before he could say anything I said "nope, no interest" and walked in the house. And with that I felt the final clip of my wings.

It reminded me of my old childhood parrot. Pancho was an ornery ole bird who would gladly take flight if he could. Knowing this, my mom clipped his wings. For days after he would sit pouting in his cage taking bites at my mom when she changed his water. My heart ached for him; wishing he was free but knowing he'd be eaten by a rat if I sprung him. We'd open the cage door and he'd eventually climb out and down onto the floor. He'd waddle and walk in circles making little birdie noises in complaint. He'd chase my mom and eventually manage little lift offs. It seemed his demeanor changed then. He seemed happier, puffing out his little chest, walking with a confident stride.  He'd climb to the top of his cage and sit happily chattering away.

It's strange what happens when you clip your wings. Feeling a bit disoriented; lost perhaps; trying to find your place in otherwise familiar surroundings. And falling quickly into victim mode becoming whiny and fearful. Dreading tomorrow, regretting yesterday and too oblivious to notice today. That was my summer.

But today I had a moment of clarity. Somehow I had fallen back into the rut I had worked so hard to dig myself out of several years ago. And I partially know this happened because I was worried that I had become selfish. I wasn't used to this new focus on 'me'. As in, I'm trying to create myself. Who am I? What am I here for? Me, myself and I. And I felt ashamed for being so selfish. So I tried to stop dreaming and tried giving up anything that made me feel good. Instead I was left like Pancho. Grumpy, bitter, and snapping at anyone in my path.

So today I did some crazy things. I submitted an application to work as a cemetery secretary. Hee hee I have a whole bunch of reasons for being interested in that one. But if I'm not called, that's ok too. Although we had alot of laughs thinking it must be pretty bad if even a cemetery doesn't want you. Haa haa!

Then I booked a flight to Santa Fe, NM for a few days with a return trip via train. I love the train. And if you had been here you would have seen Resistance at its finest. "Money?" "What kind of mom are you?" "What kind of wife are you?" And those were all from me. Hubby is excited. My son is furious. Yep, I'm leaving the family here. I'm running away. Talk about selfishness in all its glory. (But did I mention the train?!)

And as I backed out of the driveway heading to the crazy ladies meeting (which I officially announced that I quit after Octoberfest)...I stopped. Got out of the car. Into the garage. And got my motorcycle.

I wonder if Pancho could feel when his wings were growing in. 

I can. 

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.  John Barrymore