And I had worried knowing my hubby was bringing his mom over to stay the weekend. Knowing she's been very ill and knowing I am not a caregiver. I had planned to take my son shopping and knowing how much I detest shopping knew this was an avoidance tactic meant to take me out of the house. And yet, when I saw her, I sensed a bit of fear and resignation where there once was strength and determination. I stayed. I knew I couldn't check her blood or give her shots. So I did what I do best. I sat with her and listened. I covered her legs. I watched her sleep. I held her hand.
"Was I here before? When did you buy this house? Was I at your wedding? Why can't I remember, Elena?" And seeing the small flicker of fear I patted her hand. I explained that her doc says when blood sugar spikes so high that little blood vessels pop and can result in memory loss. I showed her pictures of the wedding and she smiled as she pointed to the chapel and said "oh, I remember this place!". I told her not to worry, to give her body time to heal. It'll come back. Besides there are things best forgotten.
"You know, Elena, it's scary to wake up and not know what happened. Where you are. But it's good to have family. My family loves me and takes care of me. We need each other in this life. And I have to fight to get better. My family needs me like I need them." And I saw the flicker of determination in her eyes. "But what happened to me? Why can't I remember?" And the flicker of fear replaced determination once again. I held her hand and explained again adding that she wasn't alone. By the end of the weekend we had laughed and teased about sending flyers with her picture to all the local bakeries telling them not to sell to this woman.
And after she left it occurred to me that she had just provided an important lesson. When I'm wrestling with things on my journey I have a tendency to skulk off into the nearest cave to try to work things out on my own. I isolate myself from family, friends, nature and nothing good comes from these circumstances. Alone, my ego has full reign over my mind. Fear takes shape and weaves it's lacy fingers throughout.
Not wanting to think anymore I sat and watched a few episodes of Criminal Minds. I didn't focus too much on the plot; I just watched without really 'watching'. After three episodes it occurred to me that the detectives' best work came from working as a team. Where everyone's contributing ideas spurred the investigation to its next step. Nobody worked in a vacuum. Or hid in a cave.
Mama Lill isn't hiding in a corner of her room thinking she's gone mad.
I suppose I just learned an uncomfortable lesson.
I need others.
Arghhhh
(as I shamefully crawl back to blogland)
No shame allowed !!!! Only determination and compassion for yourself as you learn the lessons you need to learn. We are all in this together even as we face our own issues alone. Strange, but so true.
ReplyDeleteBig Love to you, Elena. I don't think you can say you are not a caregiver anymore.
No shame in needing others. That's what we're all spinning on this big blue planet together for. To learn from and love one another (along with ourselves).
ReplyDelete;)
You are uber insightful as usual Dear One! Thanks for sharing.
There is nothing wrong with needing others, especially family. We all need each other. I loved your post and appreciated your thoughts. You gave of yourself to your husband's mom and she too appreciated your giving. Thanks for sharing this and I'm glad you feel better about things. You know...we grow a lot of veggies, too much and I don't can anymore, so I give to neighbors, friends, and who ever wants the veggies. I always feel better giving. I feel proud to have been able to give something to someone who really wanted it or needed it. Your husband's mom needed your comfort and understanding, and she received. Take care.
ReplyDeleteit seems to me that you're the perfect caregiver.....sitting next to, listening, and holding a loved one's hands are always the best medicine of all! and you always see things that would fly over everyone else's head. thanks for sharing your life's lessons with us, sweet gal!! xox, :))
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with needing others...we are so much alike. I skulk off on my own to work out issues but I am my own worst enemy! I isolate myself way too much and I keep too much bottled up all to myself but sooner or later it has to come out somewhere....
ReplyDeleteI came to the same realisation a couple of weeks back...I need others...that's why I joined Weight Watchers...cause I couldn't do it alone and just getting out to be around people is a step for me too cause I'm not much of a socialiser. LONG way to go for me but one step at a time... lots of little steps...if I can do it you can too!
hugs
Shelley
The best lessons learned are the ones we do have to walk through alone. If someone told you do this and that to get to what you just did this weekend you wouldn't listen would you? buck it like a horse but this was a way to walk through it, you had a elder with you and they've walked this earth longer, though she was struggling she still has the wisdom to help and guide you... Peace my friend.. Glad you are open to keep learning I pray for that myself that I never go stale...
ReplyDeleteHappy tears for you Elena, I understand wanting to be alone and to be doing things myself, so much less patience is necessary. But how wonderful to have taken the time to create memories that will last your life.
ReplyDeleteI would have been sure that would have been exactly what you would have done. Yes, and now you will never forget that time you had with her. I was just peeking in here today, hoping you'd be here. You did good, Elena. xox
ReplyDeleteand guess what....we're all here !
ReplyDeleteand some of us are dancing :)
want to join me ?