Shame in Art?

I loved drawing when I was small. I loved the smell of crayons and freshly sharpened pencils. I loved sitting with my Mama and sketching something on white dish towels so that she could embroider them. Sometimes she would bring small bits of paper from the book factory and I would try not to use them so they wouldn't go to waste. I was really afraid of my Dad. One rare day, I sat next to him as he picked up my pencil and drew a woman's face. I sat there amazed. "You draw?!" I saw him in a different flicker. Between bad times, I could connect to these two people via drawing. The same with kids in school or those who often stayed with us.

But once I started working there were two comments that have always stayed with me. As a student intern in a government office I was sketching at lunch. The supply guy looked horrified and said "don't be doodling, people are going to think you're wasting tax payers money!". I told him I was on lunch. My time. He said 'the people' won't know that. Given that I had a sandwich in one hand and pencil in the other I figured 'the people' must be pretty stupid. I felt ashamed then. Maybe drawing wasn't really good. It felt good but perhaps it was meant to be done in private. Turns out my boss saw this same doodling and approached me later. Told me to continue drawing but not to make it a career. You'll starve so find something that may incorporate some drawing but makes money. So I suppose then art is 'bad'? So I put away the pencils and crayons and started my career as a space planner, facilities and project manager. I sketched floorplans. Whoo hooo.....

And as I've been lurking among the weeds on my journey lately I've been wondering about this thing called 'art'. My dearest Laura sent me the movie "Who does she think she is". It was great but made me sad. I lack that type of passion. I have since seen other movies where the titles don't matter because the plots are basically the same; student dancer fights against the odds to enter dance school, artist, photographer, pilot fight for same, each struggling against being told no and achieving their dreams. And I take this all in and decide I don't have that passion. I try to move on but the thought of drawing or painting still lurks within. Ever walk into a spider web and even though you can't see it you can feel the little tickle of webs on your arms? Like that. That's how the tickling feels inside.

So I thought of going to school to work on a Bachelor of Art in General Studio. As I weighed this with a BA in Management, I did my research. And as word got out, two comments surfaced that have made me stop and think. Hearing of my plan, my brother told my mom something along the lines of "...wants to go to school to what?? Make pretty little pictures? Why waste her time and money?" My mom explained it's what I've always liked to do so he said there was no reason why I couldn't just practice and teach myself. I swear he sounds so much like my dad's voice in my head.

And another "...maybe you need to reassess your idea about what the art thing is;  is it really just a form of fun doodling and passing the time, or is it a passionate, fully immersed form of self expression?  The latter is what produces priceless pieces of art.  The former may be just a self absorbed form of escape from life's challenges and responsibilities...". Uh oh. I'm the Queen of Avoidance so perhaps that's what I'm trying to do. Pretend to be an artist so I could hide my head in the sand. But then there's that 'passion' thing again. And I like studying the people around me and recognizing those with passion and those without. Are they born with it? Is is something they learn? Are there degrees of passion? How much passion do you have to have that would refuse being squashed? Like the weeds that come up no matter what you do to them. Do they have passion?

As for me? 

I lack passion. 

 I'm more of a tepid dreamer who dreams of being passionate.