I'm not proud to admit to my reaction. I was devastated as I imagined all sorts of horrific things happening to the little thing and proceeded to unleash 'holy hell'. After searching for six hours Sunday I felt like a fall bloom that has been flash frozen by an overnight frost. All the beauty I had managed to uncover as I knocked down the walls I had carefully built around my heart left me exposed. I felt every emotion intensely magnified. I sat in my car trying to rebuild those walls of protection and, instead, unleashed a torrent of words that would have made a biker blush.
Finding my son crying only intensified the anger. Feeling betrayed, I took all the angels and shoved them into a box in the garage. Did I say I'm not proud of my reaction? And yet, I kept catching myself asking for help and at the same time chastising myself for believing in this world of make believe. By Monday I turned the anger into productivity and slowly started seeing things in a different light. I was going about this all wrong. I was imagining the worst. Instead I closed my eyes and imagined our reunion. I could imagine picking her up and seeing that she was thinner but safe. I imagined her puppy breath and cuddling her to keep her warm.
I then unleashed the 'man hunt'. The area businesses let me post flyers. The shelters and hospitals took down my information. The radio station made announcements. Joggers and dogwalkers took down my phone number. The police station dispatch was on alert. And some of the women of that group in town drove around looking. Did I say 'man hunt'? As I walked to give the police station the flyer, I received the call from the woman who found her.
So here's what I learned. Be careful what you say. During the early blog posts I said I didn't really like people. Then I met the bloggers and artists. So I figured I just didn't like the people around me. And now in one weekend I learned about humanity. How so many people were willing to help me, a stranger, look for an animal. Not even a human being...just one small pup. And I thought of what my spiritual mentor said. How sometimes things happen that make no sense and we can't see the greater picture. I know now that I was meant to experience this unselfish interaction with people.
But for all the beauty I saw, I also discovered the ugliness inside me. I'm a fair weather friend. My Mama said my angels should leave me alone to teach me a lesson. I told her I'm too ashamed to even try talking to them anymore. I know now I'm not worthy of the things I was told in Santa Fe. I feel as if I was tested this weekend....and failed. And I wondered how I could ever be forgiven for doubting; for not having deep strong faith. And as I walked through the yard this morning I saw this and for a moment felt a flicker of hope.
Oh Elena, such heart felt honesty. Remember we are human, with human frailties. The Test has made you review certain things and values in your life. This will always be the constant, perhaps not so dramatic, but we are always peeling away layers of the onion, each layer an awareness which leads to another layer. Of course an onion makes you weep as you peel, but oh they taste so good when cooked, yummy! :)
ReplyDeletePeace be with you now...don't beat yourself up..you higher power is not one that would enjoy seeing you do that to youself... walk with not aganist with gratitude..
ReplyDeleteOh, Elena, you are worthy of everything wonderful and magical! We have all fallen and that's never the point. We learn, we love, we move on. And in that, loving ourselves is often the hardest. And I've found often that our four-legged friends are often are best able to teach us about ourselves. Be kind to yourself, dear friend!! Love, Silke
ReplyDeleteYes, Elena, I wish I was paying attention because I orchestrated many hunts and held many hands and hearts. Your post made me cry. It was a very hard lesson and you learned more from it than most human beings would have even looked at. Simply make amends with yourself and your hubby so your son and new family member are getting the "you" they need. Puppies and dogs and kitties too get frightened and bolt and their humans are none the wiser.
ReplyDeleteSo maybe this all happened for a reason, a lesson for you to learn from. I hope you have forgiven all who need forgiving including yourself. I see you as a very wise woman who sometimes makes mistakes, the same as the rest of us.
ReplyDeletedon't beat yourself up....you reacted the way all of us would....seriously, you are only human !!!
ReplyDeletexoxxo
You didn't fail anything. You just have more practicing to do, that's all. Today is another day, another precious chance to really believe that the Universe really is conspiring in your favor, Beautiful Elena. Be gentle with yourself, just like you are with that boy and that pup. You are just as worthy of forgiveness, affection and LOVE !
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel loved by all the angels today !
You are loved by me ! ;)
Elena you are good, you were just frightened...and now your sweet puppy is safe and you can look at what you learned about yourself, your faith in humanity, your faith period. All is well. Breathe easy, like the gorgeous photo you posted...light emerging, enchanting the opening...embrace that opening...it is your opportunity to truly grow and love yourself...the angry words, the fear, the guilt, the acceptance, the love, the gratitude...it is all you.
ReplyDeleteOMG woman!!!! Its almost like we have the same lessons on opposite sides of the world!! I sent you an email earlier and I've just been catcing up on my blog reading....I've had to just skip some cause I've missed so many this hellish week...I read this and just shook my head in awe!
ReplyDelete