Wanted: Something

Been feeling a bit out of sorts lately. That fragile state where even I don't know which way my mood will swing. The feeling that I'm not in control when all I want is everything to be stacked in neat little rows. Wanting to know that B follows A and 2 follows 1. Wanting to know what comes next. Wishing a crystal ball would tell me which way to go. That darned restlessness that drives me nuts like a hard to reach itch. That makes me want to leave and not look back. But knowing "it" cannot be outrun and will only follow me. And worse, not understanding where these feelings are coming from.


And when I saw some recent works created in a fellow bloggers class, I actually felt envious. Me. Envious. But not in the mean sort of way. It was more like, "oh how beautiful, if only I could...." which led to "who are you kidding..." and finally "just give it up...". And that was the last straw and I landed butt first into the same thing that has invaded my thoughts for years. I just want to be good at something. (Ok, Suz, don't tell me writing cuz I'm not a writer) I want to have value. When I gave up my career I gave up my sense of value. When I gave up making my own money I lost my sense of individuality. I know now these were warped ideas. My value does not lie in work or money. I just need to find it.


My mom invited me to join her and my sister to a senior lunch being held at a restaurant about 40 minutes away from me. My first thought was to take the motorcycle. That would help me decide if I truly wanted to sell her. So I was surprised to find all these thoughts in my head..."the highway is going to be packed" "it's too dangerous" "you'll embarrass your mom". What is it about a blow to your ego that eats away at your self-confidence like a nasty parasite. Luckily there was a teeny tiny voice that said "you survived the Santa Anas and Canada for pete's sake". And with that I jumped on the bike before I could talk myself out of it.

As I jumped onto the highway it felt like an internal battery was being recharged.  I ducked and dodged trucks and watched for serial lane changers, maneuvered pot holes and construction, and felt my self-confidence receive a bolt. Once I arrived I told my mom that I was worried she'd see me pull up with the bike at the same time as her bus. I didn't want to embarrass her (she said that to me when I first started riding). She smiled and said she wouldn't be embarrassed. That's all I needed.

Later when I got home and received the mail, I found two perfectly timed gifts. My fellow riding friend Lee sent me a postcard from her latest jaunt. Lee who moved from stay-at-home mom, children's book writer, to construction estimator, collector of motorcycles & scooters (is she on 3 or 4 now?) and travelled to Scotland, Ireland, Bermuda to see the world by motorcycle. She doesn't question. She just does. She lives life. She doesn't need to know what she'll be 'when she grows up'. She knows what she's good at and does it.  She's free.





And my new friend, Kim of Queen of Arts Studio, sent me some beautifully hand-painted rocks in a beautifully designed package. And her personal note almost made me cry when I read "Here's to the journey and checking off #26". Fitting then that the first rock I picked out said "Make Your Mark". And it occurred to me that here are two women making their mark. Life doesn't have to be perfectly aligned and my mark doesn't have to be GRAND. The key is to make a mark. Any kind. And if, in the process, I make a tiny impact on somebody that itself would be GRAND.


Although I still feel like I want to be good at something, I remember now that I need to start somewhere. My son recently asked how to choose a career. I answered without thinking "do something you're passionate about". Makes sense. So now I just have to look for what I'm passionate about. Heck, I'll settle for slight interest and see where it leads.

For now. I know one thing. I won't be selling my motorcycle. It gives me the freedom I strongly desire. And it recharges my emotional battery.

And Kim and Lee, thank you. Funny how life has a way of talking to you if you listen.

And if not, it'll throw rocks at you. (Ha ha couldn't resist)